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Puckering Time

It's now or never.

The 5 Gruesome People I Meet Everyday

Accounts of five generic types of human beings I encounter on an almost daily basis - and I don't have to be in hell. I hope you’re not one of them.

1. Those people who, in the early hours of the morning, stink like hell and have the gall to raise their armpits of death in public.

If you commute going to school or work, you’d probably agree that these creatures really exist. They would complacently plant their butts right next to you, even manage to scrunch their moist and clammy bodies to your own, and you can forget about breathing because for the next thirty minutes of your life all that your olfactory glands can sense is the smell of pungent decaying maggots that slices through your flesh and eats away your bones – then you’d regret leaving your portable oxygen tank at home.

Their malodorous hygienic deficiencies vary in different levels and strength, from the subtle and oftentimes seemingly innocuous type you wouldn’t notice until the creature is within three inches away from you to the ballistic portent of earth-shaking intensity you wished you always had a pocket flamethrower so as to minimize any epidermal contact in the process. I am told that people with such abhorrent bodily odors are oblivious to their condition to the point of being so ignorant about it – doesn’t it occur to them that by accidentally inhaling large amounts of the vile bodily excretions can cause fainting spells or extremely unbearable headaches? Hello people, ever heard of deodorants? They’re very cheap, like twenty bucks or so.

2. Those inconsiderate clods who fart inside elevators and other enclosed – and airconditioned! – spaces.

Oh please, don’t get me started. It’s probably the deadliest weapon of mass destruction. I’ve been through a lot of agonizing experiences of this kind, and it’s not at all pleasurable. Your mind wanders amid the high-rising skyscrapers and frenetic billboards of Edsa while serenely riding the MRT when suddenly a funky detesting odor penetrates your soul, further distracting your faculties for more than a minute or so depending on the exhaust fan setting. It is very disgusting. Same with elevator scenes where the environment is warmer and therefore more conducive to cranium-splitting headaches due to melodious aftermaths. If those gases were flammable I could’ve seen actual explosions.

Then all people within half a meter’s radius, hankies covering their noses, would search for the perpetrator, express their awful disgust complete with cusswords and all possible dehumanizing clichés, and then deny themselves of the crime. People, we are not sure who among us is behind this hideous felony, but don’t make the others suspect you by broadcasting clues and stuff by being so defensive about the matter. Just cover your noses, shut your freaking mouth, and wish that moron to die from his own miserable inconsideration.

3. Odd couples who publicly display their passionate affection for the audience to see.

As the spokesperson of the singles community, I most emphatically don’t feel resentful for choosing to remain single for an indefinite period of time. In your haste to exhibit supremacy, you may have forgotten that I mentioned the word odd. Here, I’m offering my thesaurus, you can look up for its synonyms.

I am reminded of that revolving text message about the types of couples according to how they miraculously entered a relationship based solely on physical attributes. Whenever I see odd couples hanging around, wrapping their arms to the one person they’ve pledged undying love with (blecch!), smooching and giggling with eyes fluttering in mid air, I immediately remember the last lines of the text message; it says, “Kapwa ko, mahal ko.” How very apt. Pardon me for jumping in – I am all for freedom of expression, but could you please keep it to a minimum? We also need privacy.

4. Those people who stare at you for no apparent reason.

For one, they make you very paranoid, the fact that they’d nail their eyes on you as if counting every flaw and pothole on your face. Now I am not the one whom you would fondly describe as “good-looking,” although I must say that I don’t look ugly; I don’t even dwell in between either. But this always happens, and again, in varying degrees. Now if you are trying to mock me with your soulful stare on the grounds that you look far much better than I do, I am very sorry for not possessing the physical characteristics of an accidental genetic experiment, i.e. you, but I’ll see what I can do about your problem. But if you look like a dehydrated prune to begin with, and you start ogling me from head to foot, how dare you.

If gouging out eyeballs weren’t a heinous crime I must’ve blinded hundreds.

5. Braggarts who flaunt their mobile phones from their pockets for the whole universe to see, and engage in very loud conversations.

I may condone such a behavior if you’re a businessman who needs to entertain phone calls with a Nokia E90, but knowing that you’re just one of us I am inclined to think that you just want attention. Then there are those who bring out not just one but three (or five, maybe six, eight at most if you’re an octopus) different cellphones, whipping them out one after the other – this person’s probably into selling bootleg items. But it’s amazing how these people could maintain three working units from obviously three different network subscriptions. Remember that scene in Freaky Friday when the mom’s phone (I forgot her name) rang and she has to rummage inside her bag in order to find out which gadget is making a buzz? What if those phones ring all at the same time? Imagine what great source of entertainment it may bring to the viewing public.

As for the broadcasting part, see related post.

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At Thu Aug 16, 06:30:00 PM, Blogger Skye retorts...

The worst for me is number 1. Damn them. Don't they have normal olfactory senses? Or even a sense of decency and sensitivity to just stay a hermit? If I had uncontrollable B.O., I'd probably lock myself from the universe, or maybe just kill myself. Argh.

There's also one type of person I hate: the wet-haired girl who brushes her hair on the train. Like fuck, I don't need your wet hair all over my shoulder. I don't need to be splashed by micro droplets of God knows what kind of water. I don't need to be thinking what shampoo (if ever you use shampoo) you put on your crown of beauty this morning! In a malandi way, "Eewww, that's sooo kadiri!" I just hate others' wet hair on my shoulder, arms, or any appendage attached to my body for that matter.    

At Thu Aug 16, 06:44:00 PM, Blogger Mike retorts...

skye: yeah, i get to encounter those women on a regular basis. and i don't like the taste of hair strands, godammit. sometimes i just want to shear off their hair, and the hell i care about them. they're very unethical.    

At Fri Aug 17, 12:44:00 AM, Anonymous Juice retorts...

Oh my God. Number one is the worst. There are lots of those here, and it's just disgusting, good for me, I don't get into any of the public transportations here or else I'd die of over-odored. Ugggh.

Number 3: That's fucking irritating. Get a room. Privacy has lost its meaning.    

At Fri Aug 17, 01:51:00 AM, Blogger Jhed retorts...

@1: Yeah, people are unaware of their own smell. That is why they need people to tell them that they stink.

@2: Haha! I'm guilty as charged! LOL! But mind you, I only do it when I'm alone.

@3: Eeew. But I confess, I did this ONCE with my ex.. but I was waaaay too drunk that time, so I'm not aware of what I was doing. Haha!

@4: HAHA! I love staring and oggling at people. Bakit ba?!

@5: Oooooh... especially those who flaunt it sa mga jeeps. Naku, how I wish may mang-holdap sa jeep na yun. :))

I would like to add though, yung mga babaeng nakalugay sa jeep. Grabe, lumilipad-lipad na sa mukha ko yung buhok nila. Kakairita. Oh, and smokers na rin na nambubuga ng usok sa mukha. Like, heller.. mukha ba akong ashtray. :))    

At Fri Aug 17, 10:57:00 AM, Anonymous heneroso retorts...

hihi, ang ayaw ko lang jan ung tingin ng tingin. Nakakairita talaga yun. the rest, tolerable naman. hihi    

At Fri Aug 17, 04:55:00 PM, Blogger Mike retorts...

juice: yeah, and their species seem to be dispersed in all parts of the planet. like rats, they must be annihilated.

jhed: bilang smoker, hindi ko naman sila maipagtatanggol kasi minsan ako rin nambubuga, hehe, pero minsan lang. and hindi talaga masaya kapag nabugahan ka ng usok; iba kasi yung usok na hinihithit mo sa nalalanghap mo..

and ashtray ka kapag ash and upos ng yosi ang napupunta sa'yo, hindi usok. hihi.

heneroso: sabay tayong dukutin ang mga mata nila!

putok? utot? tolerable?! hindi ko ma-grasp yung konsepto mo ng tolerable..    

At Fri Aug 17, 10:18:00 PM, Anonymous Agent Grey retorts...

What I like with annoying people is that they are a nice topic for a conversation.

Bash 'em if you can't kill 'em!    

At Sat Aug 18, 11:39:00 AM, Blogger zeus retorts...

i know they are annoying but look on the brighter side. there are also pleasing people who you would like to look at and be with.


maybe they look at you because they saw something at you that made them look the second time around

as i remember. someone told me that if the first look is accidental and the second is intentional


At Sat Aug 18, 07:57:00 PM, Blogger Jigs retorts...

I hate all of those people!

But I kinda deal with number 4. I love having mini staring competitions with those people and see who looks away first! Hehe!    

At Sat Aug 18, 08:14:00 PM, Blogger Mike retorts...

agent grey: they're the people we pointedly avoid yet we blatantly talk about them. the irony of life..

zeus: alright, i'll try to be more positive. haha.

jigs: i don't like staring at people for some reason or so.. but yeah, they're usually the ones who surrender when i get to cast dagger looks on them. hihi.    

At Sat Mar 09, 02:33:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous retorts...

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