Puckering Time

Accounts of five generic types of human beings I encounter on an almost daily basis - and I don't have to be in hell. I hope you’re not one of them.

1. Those people who, in the early hours of the morning, stink like hell and have the gall to raise their armpits of death in public.

If you commute going to school or work, you’d probably agree that these creatures really exist. They would complacently plant their butts right next to you, even manage to scrunch their moist and clammy bodies to your own, and you can forget about breathing because for the next thirty minutes of your life all that your olfactory glands can sense is the smell of pungent decaying maggots that slices through your flesh and eats away your bones – then you’d regret leaving your portable oxygen tank at home.

Their malodorous hygienic deficiencies vary in different levels and strength, from the subtle and oftentimes seemingly innocuous type you wouldn’t notice until the creature is within three inches away from you to the ballistic portent of earth-shaking intensity you wished you always had a pocket flamethrower so as to minimize any epidermal contact in the process. I am told that people with such abhorrent bodily odors are oblivious to their condition to the point of being so ignorant about it – doesn’t it occur to them that by accidentally inhaling large amounts of the vile bodily excretions can cause fainting spells or extremely unbearable headaches? Hello people, ever heard of deodorants? They’re very cheap, like twenty bucks or so.

2. Those inconsiderate clods who fart inside elevators and other enclosed – and airconditioned! – spaces.

Oh please, don’t get me started. It’s probably the deadliest weapon of mass destruction. I’ve been through a lot of agonizing experiences of this kind, and it’s not at all pleasurable. Your mind wanders amid the high-rising skyscrapers and frenetic billboards of Edsa while serenely riding the MRT when suddenly a funky detesting odor penetrates your soul, further distracting your faculties for more than a minute or so depending on the exhaust fan setting. It is very disgusting. Same with elevator scenes where the environment is warmer and therefore more conducive to cranium-splitting headaches due to melodious aftermaths. If those gases were flammable I could’ve seen actual explosions.

Then all people within half a meter’s radius, hankies covering their noses, would search for the perpetrator, express their awful disgust complete with cusswords and all possible dehumanizing clichés, and then deny themselves of the crime. People, we are not sure who among us is behind this hideous felony, but don’t make the others suspect you by broadcasting clues and stuff by being so defensive about the matter. Just cover your noses, shut your freaking mouth, and wish that moron to die from his own miserable inconsideration.

3. Odd couples who publicly display their passionate affection for the audience to see.

As the spokesperson of the singles community, I most emphatically don’t feel resentful for choosing to remain single for an indefinite period of time. In your haste to exhibit supremacy, you may have forgotten that I mentioned the word odd. Here, I’m offering my thesaurus, you can look up for its synonyms.

I am reminded of that revolving text message about the types of couples according to how they miraculously entered a relationship based solely on physical attributes. Whenever I see odd couples hanging around, wrapping their arms to the one person they’ve pledged undying love with (blecch!), smooching and giggling with eyes fluttering in mid air, I immediately remember the last lines of the text message; it says, “Kapwa ko, mahal ko.” How very apt. Pardon me for jumping in – I am all for freedom of expression, but could you please keep it to a minimum? We also need privacy.

4. Those people who stare at you for no apparent reason.

For one, they make you very paranoid, the fact that they’d nail their eyes on you as if counting every flaw and pothole on your face. Now I am not the one whom you would fondly describe as “good-looking,” although I must say that I don’t look ugly; I don’t even dwell in between either. But this always happens, and again, in varying degrees. Now if you are trying to mock me with your soulful stare on the grounds that you look far much better than I do, I am very sorry for not possessing the physical characteristics of an accidental genetic experiment, i.e. you, but I’ll see what I can do about your problem. But if you look like a dehydrated prune to begin with, and you start ogling me from head to foot, how dare you.

If gouging out eyeballs weren’t a heinous crime I must’ve blinded hundreds.

5. Braggarts who flaunt their mobile phones from their pockets for the whole universe to see, and engage in very loud conversations.

I may condone such a behavior if you’re a businessman who needs to entertain phone calls with a Nokia E90, but knowing that you’re just one of us I am inclined to think that you just want attention. Then there are those who bring out not just one but three (or five, maybe six, eight at most if you’re an octopus) different cellphones, whipping them out one after the other – this person’s probably into selling bootleg items. But it’s amazing how these people could maintain three working units from obviously three different network subscriptions. Remember that scene in Freaky Friday when the mom’s phone (I forgot her name) rang and she has to rummage inside her bag in order to find out which gadget is making a buzz? What if those phones ring all at the same time? Imagine what great source of entertainment it may bring to the viewing public.

As for the broadcasting part, see related post.

Mike allegedly clacked away to post this on Thursday, August 16, 2007 at 5:39 PM.